In active telephone counseling with RESCUE because of a devastating romantic co-dependency ,Kellie began telephone counseling with Pastor Pam Sheppard on April 1, 2015, a little over 4 months ago from today. In her own words, Check out the insights she has received.
It seemed that Kellie’s problem was demonic. It was. But the root to it could not be cast out!
Co-Dependency: The Root of My Captivity by Kellie
Co-dependence is not knowing who you are, what you believe in and what your boundaries are. It is usually bred in childhood by parents who do not give their children the proper care and love they need to develop their authentic self. The child is left fending for themselves and come to believe that they are not worth the time and attention just for being who they are. The child then overcompensates in some way to win the parents approval. Because being who they are isn’t enough, they begin to adopt faulty beliefs that if they were someone different they would eventually win the love of their parents and everything would be alright. A Co-dependent becomes a perfectionist. They strive for perfection because being themselves was never enough. They construct different personalities, ones that are more pleasing than their own. They seek to destroy those parts of themselves that they deem are faulty. Any emotion or feeling that is not acceptable to the parent becomes cut off and a new feeling is taken on. This is called splitting. What in actuality is happening is a layer is being produced that covers their original personality and a false one is implemented to cover the true authentic self. Feelings that are not acceptable to the parent are stuffed down and repressed. A co-dependent will then adopt other feelings to cover those feelings. Shaming from the parent is usually the reason. A parent that cannot accept authentic feelings from a child will shame them into acting a way that is more pleasing to the parent. They cannot deal with what is considered a raw emotion. They seek to manage and fix their child’s emotions to be more comfortable for the parent.
Co-dependence happens mainly in women. Co-dependence seeks to fix situations and circumstances. It wants to right the wrongs that were done in others because of the wrongs that were really done to the self. The co-dependent grows up not knowing true autonomy because he/she sought so long to win approval of their parents. They do not know where the parent ends and they begin. When a child grows up like this, they will seek out partners that carry the same dynamic because it makes them feel safe. They will look for someone they can “fix.” They will do it believing that if they can just fix the person then they will accomplished what was not fixable in their childhood. This usually comes however from the false selves and not the true self. They use control and manipulation also using these false selves to fix another. They do not understand that it is not authentic and genuine but from a place of fear of failing. They will perpetuate the false self until the person they are trying to fix loves them for who they think they are which is never the real person but really “a house of mirrors.” The real person lies dormant layered in the false selves.
I have been a co-dependent all of my life and I am 50. I sought to fix the wrongs in others, and I did it from a place of fear. I wanted to be loved for who I was and yet I had no idea who that was and what she stood for. I had no idea where my boundaries were, where one person stopped and I began. I let others tell me who that was. I gave up my true identity in my childhood. I was looking for those “others’ whom I could project this onto. It was my own woundedness that I needed to project in an attempt to fix myself and I would repeat this pattern over and over until now. I realize now that every relationship I was in kept leading me to repeat this pattern until I understood that I was trying to fix myself.
This has been a long journey for me but I can say without a doubt that I am becoming myself now. Who I was really but with boundaries. I no longer need to fix, control or manipulate others to be acceptable to others. I have given the real self the permission to be heard and cleansed from needing other’s approval. I don’t need to fix others to be fixed anymore. I can be myself and be acceptable to me and that is enough.
Besides telephone sessions once a week, Kellie is also an active group member in RESCUE. Why not take advantage of our 30 day free trial by clicking the link below?